Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"Not doing well"

Yesterday I saw a new Rheumatologist - she had wild hair and a very abrupt manner, but managed to be warm and empathetic in her haste, which I appreciated. She confirmed that I do have Psoriatic Arthritis, and informed me that in her eyes, I was not doing very well.

She also said that with the new biologic drug she wants me on (Humira) she expects that I can be pain free. She says our goal is to "be pain free, stiffness free, depression and fatigue free, doing whatever I want when I want", and she says this goal is very achievable.

I've been feeling so down ever since that appointment. She gave me such a mixed bag of news. Doing poorly, great prognosis, super drug, give myself a shot every other week for the rest of my life. Maybe every three weeks if I'm lucky.

Her confidence made me take this diagnosis much more seriously. The words "chronic" and "not doing well" resonate in my head. I am staggering. I am awed. I am numb. It was a hopeful meeting but hope has not yet reached me.

The PsA chat rooms are full of people like me - struggling, depressed, and in pain, and weighed down by our own misery. Immobile. Desperate. Taking one step at a time. This is no way to live. Humira should give me a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to get my head around it, I suppose.

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